I find that living in a home with two growing children can breed conflict. There are fights between the two of them over the remote control, sock ownership and the “she is being mean to me” syndrome. There is also conflict between myself and the kids about cleaning up, doing homework and bedtime. As much as we all love each other there is sometimes anger and frustration.
I have learned over time that the problem is not really about the anger and frustration that arises when there is a conflict, instead it is what we do with the anger and frustration as we feel it and how we resolve the feelings between us when it is over.
I teach my children the following techniques to help them resolve conflicts and move on.
1. When my children feel angry and frustrated I remind them to focus on breathing. The breath is a reminder to slow down. I also teach my children that the breath is a reminder of Maybe. Maybe reminds them that this is just a moment and it will change. This cools the anger and frustration a bit because often anger arises when we feel stuck in a situation and we fear it will never be different. That is why the emotions run so high.
2. Now that the flames of anger are a little cooler, I ask them to try to understand where the other person in our home is coming from. I don’t say they “must” understand, I say Maybe you can understand where the other person if coming from. Maybe allows the possibility, the contemplation. It demands nothing other than considering what may be possible. Maybe that person is acting out of fear, Maybe they are tired, Maybe they are hungry, or Maybe they could not handle what they were feeling. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but again it softens the anger.
3. Often we are now all calm enough to ask each other questions like: “Why do you disagree with me?”; “Why did you yell at me?”; “Why won’t you listen to me?”; or “Why were you so mean to me?” The answers range from “I didn’t mean it” to “I want to be left alone” or “I am tired.” Sometimes we also get the response “you deserved it,” but this just means that there is more talking to do.
4. After we are done asking each other questions, we then try to consider and understand each other’s point of view the best that we can. Sometimes understanding what the other person was feeling leads to the end of the conflict or a good compromise.
5. At this point, if there are any open issues that cannot be negotiated between my children (if the conflict is between them), I make a decision and resolve the problem.
6. I then ask for forgiveness if I lost my temper or said something I regret. Then my daughters ask me or each other for forgiveness. Then we all forgive ourselves. We let go of the anger at each other and at ourselves at the same time so we can all really move on. Sometimes my children are not at the point that they are ready to release their anger and forgive. Sometimes we disperse for ten or fifteen minutes and then come back and try again. There are even times when it takes a few days before we are all able to forgive each other. However, with time and patience, we all manage to get to a place of forgiveness.
This technique helps the relationships in my family to reset instead of harboring anger.
It continues to help each member of my family live with more peace and harmony.
Maybe your family can give it a try?