A few years ago, my dad and I were talking and he told me how he chose to become an engineer. His father owned a steel fabrication shop and came home every night covered in black soot with cuts all over his hands. My grandmother would turn to my dad when his father got home and say, “See? He does this for you every day.†When it came time to choose an occupation, his parents made it very clear that they wanted my father to take over the family business. Out of obligation, he did so. My dad did not love engineering and being in business was very stressful and difficult for him. As we talked, he told me for the first time that what heʼd really wanted to do was to go into the entertainment business and get a job at one of the networks.
As he told the story of what his life could have been like in the entertainment industry, I realized it had no setbacks or challenges. There were no failed projects or scripts that never made it to the big screen. His story about the road not taken in the entertainment industry was smooth and flawless, while the story of his life in the steel business was full of complaints and regrets. In my heart, I felt a bit sad because my father had a dream that he did not realize. At the same time, I found myself thinking that he had a beautiful life, full of success, family and friends.
Still, my dad believed he had missed his “big chance†in life, and I could see that belief was causing him suffering. After sitting for a while with him, I said, “Dad, I think you are stuck in a Reverse Maybe.†He looked at me, puzzled, and asked, “What is a Reverse Maybe?†I explained. “You are re-writing a story about what might have been if you had pursued a career in the entertainment industry. But you have no idea what your life would have looked like if youʼd gone that direction. You might have moved to California and never met mom and I would not be here with you right now. Neither would my sister and brother. Sure, you might have been successful, but maybe the entertainment business would have been disappointing or stressful in other ways. Weʼll never know. All we know is that everything in your life has brought you to this moment. Weʼve had a lovely day together and I am so thankful for all the decisions you made so you were able to be my dad. I know my sister and brother and all of your grandchildren feel the same way.†He looked at me and smiled. “Maybe itʼs not so bad,†he said. We both laughed.
Regret is just a story we make up about how our lives could have been better if we had made another choice–but in reality, we really don’t know what the life not chosen would have looked like and we never will. The twists and turns of that life might have taken us to other, unexpected places and maybe not for the better at all.
All we can know is that everything thatʼs happened in our lives has brought us to this moment. Within this moment there is no regret. There is only the hope that Maybe we can create the lives that we want from this point forward.
A few months after our conversation, my dad, who is retired, started screening documentary films for a not-for-profit production company. Recently, he has also written a television pilot and advised a friend on re-writing a screenplay. He told me letting go of his regret made room for him to pursue his passions and interests in the present.
Who knows? Maybe this is his second career!
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