Making Your Child’s World a Little Bigger

My friend’s daughter called me the other day crying that she was being excluded by some girls at school. She told me that they were all friendly when they were younger but now some of them won’t even say hello. The cold and unwelcoming behavior by her old friends was causing a lot of sadness and self-doubt. She said “my world has changed and I hate it.”

So many of our children go through these tough times when they feel hurt at being excluded or rejected by their peers. It is such a crucial time in their lives when they’re forming an outlook on life and the basis for their relationships as adults. Although there are many issues to deal with when children are feeling hurt and excluded, below is one exercise (I have more!) that you can do to help them gain some perspective. It can take some of the focus off one relationship and allow them to see other parts of their lives which are happy and meaningful. It won’t take away the pain, but reminds them to feel all the joy they’ve been blocking out when they are seeing their life in a limited way.

In a very gentle tone I asked my friend’s daughter the names of the girls that were excluding her. She answered, “Lydia is the one that hurts me the most because we were best friends and now my life is ruined.” I said, “I’m sorry you’re having this experience” so she would feel acknowledged and understood. Then I said, “I have never met Lydia. I’ve heard you talk about her but I never met her. Isn’t that interesting that you and I are so close and I don’t know her.  It doesn’t sound like Lydia has ruined your entire life because I still love you.”  I then went through all her family members and close family friends that she had positive relationships with. I asked her about her camp friends and she rattled off at least five names of girls that she considered good friends. Then I went through all the people she has met on vacations, children she plays sports with and those in her dance class. She indicated that she made some friends over the last couple of years from these activities, as well as a few new ones at school, that she really likes and they were kind.  She also said Maybe she could see some of them more often.

Finally I said, “So your world seems pretty big and there are a lot of great relationships in it and most of them have nothing to do with Lydia! Why are you only focusing on the one relationship that isn’t working out? I know you still feel hurt and upset about Lydia, but Maybe you can also be happy about all the people in your life that you love and that love you back. The list seems pretty long!” She laughed and said, “I know you’re just trying to make me feel better Allison. But it kind of does help a bit! Thanks.”