Uncertainty Can Be Our Best Friend
When sharing his secret to happiness, the great philosopher Jiddhu Krishnamurkti said, “Do you want to know what my secret is? I don’t mind what happens.” I think many of us reading this quote can understand why this state of mind leads to freedom and happiness. If we don’t mind what will happen next in our lives, we would have no reason to be stressed and worried today. Although this sounds like a ticket to emotional freedom, most of us cannot help but care what happens next in our lives. We care about keeping our jobs, having enough money, our children being healthy, and a slew of other crucial aspects of our lives. We want to make sure that the things we want to happen actually do happen, and that is exactly where our need for certainty begins. We want to know what will happen next so that we can rest in this moment knowing everything will be okay.
As this pandemic is teaching us every day, we can’t control everything and life is filled with twists and turns. Many of us are starting to see how our “need to know” is creating emotional havoc, but the truth is that our avoidance of uncertainty has always controlled much of our lives. In fact, our “need to know” is often the foundation or priority for most choices that we make. Our search for certainty affects how we face life, approach work, maintain relationships and even how we parent. At work we may lean towards a particular job with a “certain” future or pay grade or we may analyze a problem with a limited view of all possibilities. We choose relationships that feel secure and engage in activities we know and with which we are comfortable. We make choices for our children that seem like the most prudent paths to success. Sometimes these decisions work out great. But often we are ignoring new opportunities, stifling creativity and true desires for the sake of certainty. And as we are being reminded right now in a very jarring way, nothing is certain, and even choices that seem prudent at the time can change when the unexpected wind blows our way.
However, if we can find the courage to face the unknown, we can “mind” our futures more gently. We can examine new ideas, start new businesses, go places we never expected to go (at some point!), or develop a relationship with someone that is different from us. Mindfully releasing our need for certainty also creates more tolerance and patience as we give up our view or our path as the only way. This in turn can open us up to the blossoming of a life filled with wonder and maybe even happiness. It is amazing that the very thing we avoid can be the catalyst for creating the life that we really want.
So how can we start to release our need for certainty especially during these times? For me and most of my clients, we practice the mindset of Maybe. You can use the mindset of Maybe to put a stop to negative projections about the pandemic, loss of opportunities or money, come back to the moment, and feel hopeful. It is such a simple practice which such a profound result.Here is what you can do: Write your biggest fears down, like “The world is going down the tubes; the pandemic will not end for years and we will all be in financial ruin.” Then ask yourself are you absolutely certain these statements are true. That is the great thing about projections into the future, you can’t know if something will absolutely happen and this is when uncertainty works to our advantage. This is when we realize that uncertainty is our best friend because if we want our lives to change it has to happen in the unknown. Now, since we are not absolutely certain that our scary and negative thoughts are true, we can ask ourselves, “What are the other possibilities?” Then take five to ten minutes and write Maybe statements on a piece of paper. These are statements such as, “Maybe things will be okay,” “Maybe things will be awful and then get better,” “Maybe our actions can make a difference,” or “Maybe there is still hope for something we cannot even imagine.” Then we can get very specific with action steps that seem like good ideas. Examples of these are: “Maybe there will be new job opportunities in new business sectors that arise from the pandemic and I should start thinking about new skills,” “Maybe I should start reconnecting with old friends and colleagues and let them know I am looking for work,” or “Maybe I will figure out my situation over time and right now I should focus on the day in front of me.” If you do this for 5 to 10 minutes a day, you will start to feel more hopeful and present.
The future contains infinite possibilities, both good and bad. Sure bad things can happen, but good things can happen too. The positive part of uncertainty is the part many of us forget. It’s okay if after doing the exercise you still have fears, because you will also be making some room in your mind for other outcomes. The truth is that we cannot see how this entire pandemic or our lives will play out in this moment. If we stop projecting only bad things that may happen, we will have more strength and vision to act. And even if some bad things do happen, the idea of Maybe will give us strength to figure out what we need to do next.
There is nothing “Pollyanna” about finding comfort in the unknown. Instead, doing so allows us to harness our strength and be completely honest in the moment. So stop looking for certainty and safety when there is none. Take a deep breath. Realize life has Maybe (Just give it a try – it really works!). And take action when the time is right. If something doesn’t go the way you plan, embrace Maybe and keep trying. You cannot know what the journey ahead of you will bring, and that’s a good thing right now. It’s all about the Maybe!
Originally Posted in Psychology Today