When Anger Spills into Understanding
The other day, I was reading the book “Anger” by Thich Nhat Hanh. I read the following passage:
“When you are angry, you want to ease suffering. That is a natural tendency. There are many ways to find relief, but the greatest relief comes from understanding. When there is understanding the anger goes away by itself. When you understand the situation of the other person, when you understand the nature of suffering, anger has to vanish, because it will be transformed into compassion.”
Later, I was sharing the passage with a friend over lunch when the waitress suddenly knocked an ice cold glass of water all over my leg, my arm and my coat. I immediately felt anger rise and I turned away from the waitress and started wiping off my arm and leg. I could hear her saying “I am so sorry, I am so sorry, I am so sorry,” yet I could not speak without anger so I stayed silent and kept breathing. I had 3 more hours of running around in 30 degree weather and I was very uncomfortable being wet and I felt mad. I started thinking, “Why did she reach over the table like that? She should have come to the other side of the table!” and other such thoughts. I noticed I could not control my thoughts and return to enjoying my meal.
And then I remembered the passage we had been speaking about when this happened. I tried to breathe more deeply and I thought Maybe I can try to understand how the waitress feels right now. I thought how badly she must feel that she spilled the water. I then thought that she didn’t mean to spill it on me. Maybe now she is worried that she’ll get reprimanded by her employer. Maybe she really needs this job. And all of a sudden I realized I didn’t feel angry anymore. Understanding how she might feel softened my heart and the incident felt less important. All this suffering for the both of us over something that really didn’t matter.
I sat down in a new seat and the waitress came over. I gently touched her arm and said, “Please don’t worry about it. I’m fine. Don’t let it ruin your day.” She looked at me and smiled. My friend and I sat for an extra 15 minutes as I dried out and we enjoyed the rest of our meal. When the day began I had no idea that it would be a simple spill of water in my lap that would give me the opportunity to experience my anger dissipate in the light of understanding and compassion.
Of course, we are all faced with bigger and lesser issues everyday than my incident at the restaurant, but I wonder how much needless suffering would dissipate if we all to tried to understand a bit more. By understanding, we give up the act of declaring the other person right or wrong; instead we merely explore how they might feel. It allows us to stand in their shoes and, although we might not agree, it can cool our anger and make room for the insight we need to resolve our problems.
Maybe seeking understanding is the key to letting go of our anger and finding a more peaceful and harmonious life with the ones around us.
Just Maybe.